Memories Stuck In My Registry.

The easiest stories to write are the ones that come from your heart, they are the truest, rarest form of dictation. There is no need to make up characters, events or storylines, words from the soul are one of a kind.

I have been doing a lot of writing lately, which is weird, I always had stories to tell but to figure out a way to put them down in text was hard. I have a lifetime of stories to tell, some of them have been with me for almost 40 years.

You see I don't have the ability to forget and it is the most haunting, cruel curse there is. Some say it's amazing but in all actuality, it's hell.

Imagine people, events, good times, bad times, trauma, relationships, breakups and everything else are locked in your registry to be browsed through at any moment. Now tell me how that would feel?

I've had people pass away in an instant with me holding their hand, seeing the light dim from their eyes and baring witness to their last breath. Seeing that look of everything they did in life, everything they wanted to do in life, and all the people in their life fade away in an instant. Those are memories I carry with me everyday.

Relationships are far and away the hardest, most painful parts of it all. Breakups are hard on everyone, I'm not saying that. The first memory together, the good times together, every detail of every second of it, and then the breakup. Everything is burned into my brain for eternity. Mutual breakups aren't as bad because you get your closure and then you move on. Bad breakups have eaten away at everything because there are so many unknowns. In that moment, every good memory you have with them starts to feel like a burden. The constant reminder of the best time of your life, taken from you without warning. How does anyone process that? I have a very analytical brain and mindset and that makes it all worse. How can I know what happened, where it went wrong, and how to prevent it in the future? I can't do the equation without all the variables and that gets to me. Are the variables you receive actually real? Are they some fabrication to keep you from the reality of it all? Are they meant to keep you from more pain? All of that in an equation makes you wonder if any of it was real at all. Now carry that around with you, tell me how that would feel.

I'm starting to write them all down as a form of therapy I guess. Maybe some attempt to clear my browser history and clear my slate.

There are plenty of times, digging through my registry, that it all just hits like a whirlwind of raw emotion. I feel like I'm right back to that point in time and stuck in it until it is done with me.

You see time travel is possible, not forwards, but backwards for sure. I can go to any moment in time at a moments notice. I can get lost in the good times and then haunted by the bad times. I can relive first loves, the one's you never thought you'd lose and every detail of everything, from the comfort of my chair. Every regret, every bad decision and every emotion that goes with them all, all stuck with me until the end of it all. It doesn't make time travel sound so appealing does it?