I Wear My Heart On My Sleeve, It's Got A Forcefield.

The amount of growth, clarity, and peace I have been obtaining lately has had an amazing effect on all sorts of things, but there are parts of me that are still very guarded. This is normal for anyone, I keep the best parts of me for myself.

There are a handful of people that I have let in to see all of me but that is a very, very small circle. It's nothing against anyone but I don't like all of me to be on display for the world to see. I've let so much of myself into these blog posts and it's crazy, crazy good. Most people love it, but there have been a few that just tried to tear me to shreds over it. Well either way, this is me and this is who I am and why I am the way I am.

I've always wore my heart of my sleeve and you'd think after all I have been through, I'd lock that fucker up. Nah, it's got its walls that come out when they need to, it's like a forcefield full of nope. Again nothing against anyone but I'm finding it harder and harder to let people in. It's one thing to read one of these but every post has a much longer story behind it, for the most part I keep the full story for myself.

After the last few years, it may be a very long time before I try to date again and that is something I am coming to terms with more and more. I have a heart that is bigger than my chest but it needs to heal and learn to keep the forcefield from firing on a moments notice. It's like one of my other posts said, you need to make yourself happy long before you let someone else try to make you happy. If two people are happy when they get together, the sky is the limit. If each side has their forcefield ready to fire, that's just grounds for disaster. It is possible for two people to grow together and control their walls, that is some magic shit right there. When you can trust someone fully and they trust you, that's perfect.

I kind of said hell with it and got the hell out of town for a few days. Met up with some old friends and just had those conversations that make everything awesome. It was a much needed reboot with lots of laughs and bourbon. Side note, holy shit fuck does tonic water have a hell of a lot of sugar in it.

The best part of today, no work. The office was emailing me all damn day and I just cleared the notifications.

I'm working on my walls, my forcefield, and myself. I've lost a lot of time working on myself and my own things that I need to learn to make myself a priority again. I am on vacation until next year, well maybe, that's another story for another time. Of course the first week of it is going to be negative fucking cold and balls shit outside but, I'm still going to make the best of it all.