Before 41 There Was 40, Now The Future Is Mine!

My year of 40 was one for the books, whether it was a good book or not is a matter of perspective. Trials, tribulations, ups, downs and everything else all at once. A year for thanks regardless of the outcome because it was a year of learning.

I'm not going into details because they are always taken the wrong way, this is my perspective, nobody else's.

It was definitely a year of learning, for some reason I always find a way to learn things the hard way. Hey, learning is learning, regardless of everything, I learned a lot.

A year of many projects, some finished, some shelved, and others in limbo. If I finished everything I worked on right away, I'd probably get bored. Well maybe I should drop everything and just get one done at a time, it might save me from over engineer everything. Maybe I shouldn't always build the craziest shit. They don't call me a mad scientist/evil genius for nothing.

I'm not going to dive into personal life stuff, watch the movie Great Expectations from 1998 and that sums it up.

I started therapy in my during my 40th orbit around the sun and it's the best thing I've ever done. If you think you need therapy, you need therapy. If you don't think you need therapy, you need therapy. The thing about therapy is that it only works if you don't hold back, let all that shit out. The weight that is lifted by just letting it all go, priceless. I still have my ups and downs, I'm human, we all do it, but one thing therapy has done has made the ups and downs far less drastic. Let me repeat, everyone should be in therapy.

I decided to make another life choice, 4 weeks ago I made the decision to give up drinking. That also helped drastically with the ups and downs. I had my wake up call after a failed reach out that went south fast. You see I'm a very extroverted/introvert, I long for people but I'm content in solitude. When I'd drink, I didn't know how to moderation. I didn't say that wrong, it's a joke between my neighbor and I. It all started when the topic of my flower garden got brought into conversation. I said I don't know how to flowers. Anyways, squirrel, when I'd get a good buzz going, I got it in my head that I had to try and talk to everyone and I thought that everyone felt like chatting. I got to be a giant pain in the ass. There's more to life than that. I thought to myself, why and what am I celebrating. There wasn't a celebration, it was only a weekday.

Work is something else I don't want to drive into. That company is the most unorganized, uncommunicative, place I've ever seen. It runs on the concept that is things are ignored, they will get better. It drives me nuts to be honest. If it's not the way they want it it's wrong but they won't tell you what they want. They say ignorance is bliss, the owners of that place must be the happiest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

That brings up another valid point, just because it's not your way, doesn't mean it's wrong. Everyone is different, everyone works different, everyone communicates different, and everyone lives different.

The thing about life is that it always goes on and everyday is a chance at a fresh start. Living in the past is the worst form of living. It's called the past for a reason, the present is now and live it the best you can. One day I hope to make amends for my downfalls of the past but only if I the chance presents itself. Life is for living, not dwelling.

I hope 41 is better than 40 but I'll take whatever comes my way. I definitely need to focus more on making me happy. I always try to be the comic relief and put a smile on people's faces but that's not something I can just turn on at the drop of a hat. People that really know me, know I'd do just about anything to help people. I will go out of my way over and over just to help out, just ask my core group. It's just how I'm programmed. This year I need to set more boundaries on that, I need to focus on me first and foremost. Without me at my best, without helping myself first, I can't help anyone else because it's hard to give energy when you run yourself low.

If I could make one wish for 41 it would be, just be kind, not everyone is an asshole. I've been an asshole but at times it's a matter of self preservation. Take my boss for example, he always comes at me hostile. Well what do you think I'm going to do? I'm going to react accordingly. Now if he came at me like I'm a human being that has given everything to his company, fuck yeah I'm in.

Here's to 41, here's to life, here's to living, and here's to growing.

Now to quote the movie I'm watching, "I am Frank, and Frank must

Vanilla Sky (2001)

Brian: You can do whatever you want with your life, but one day you'll know what love truly is. It's the sour and the sweet. And I know sour, which allows me to appreciate the sweet.

Brian: Because I am Frank, and Frank must go. I good you bid evening.